| Author |
 Topic  |
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
 Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:18:58
|
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft....
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00 |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
 |
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:20:39
|
WHY MOUNTAIN BIKES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
-30 good reasons-
1. Mountain bikes don't screw around.
2. Mountain bikes don't care if it's that time of the month.
3. Mountain bikes don't have parents.
4. Mountain bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.
6. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
7. Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you've ridden.
8. When riding, you and your mountain bike can arrive at the same
time.
9. Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at
you.
10. Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain
bikes.
11. If your mountain bike goes flat you can fix it.
12. If your mountain bike is too short you can heighten it.
13. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have
to discuss politics with it.
14. You can have a black & white mountain bike and bring it home
to your parents.
15. You don't have to be jealous of other women who covet your
mountain bike.
16. If you say bad things to your mountain bike, you don't
have to apologize before you ride it again.
17. Your mountain bike won't start going until you're ready.
18. You can ride your mountain bike as long as you want
and it won't get exhausted.
19. Your mountain bike won't fall asleep after you ride it.
20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old
mountain bike after you dump it.
21. There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.
22. Mountain bikes don't mistrust you if you're an
experienced rider.
23. Your mountain bike never wants a night out with the
other mountain bikes.
24. Mountain bikes don't care what you wear.
25. Mountain bikes don't feel their bikehood is threatened if you
insist on driving.
26. If your mountain bike doesn't look good you can paint it
or get better parts.
27. You can ride your mountain bike the first time you meet it, without
worrying about whether it will call you back the next day.
28. You don't have to cover your mountain bike with rubber
when you ride it.
29. You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has
been before you met it.
30. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the
last time you were on your mountain bike. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:21:31
|
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of
the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while
they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
be empty again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mathematician is asked to design a table. He first designs a table with
no legs. Then he designs a table with infinitely many legs. The rest of
the cases are of course trivial.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a
herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of
fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence
for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next.
She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then
draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the
smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last.
After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside and the
sheeps to be on the inside!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an iland when
a can of food rools ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with
many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets
a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?" |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:23:09
|
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the
Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer
persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't
know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer,
now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees
no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but
reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the
Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The
Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library
of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to
no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back
to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word,
the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:23:51
|
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up
the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come
over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:24:16
|
A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that
there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.
He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!
A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can
see you, too!"
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"
The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.
"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a
Doberman!" |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:25:55
|
--Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: --Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
(this from Alan, one of my coworkers)
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
|
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:31:22
|
Quotes about computers and software and other things
----------------------------------------------------
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
--Doug Gwyn
"Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen."
-- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see..........
- unknown
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
- Rich Julius
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
- cartoon in the New Yorker
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth
Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
-- Rich Cook
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
-- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Dijkstra
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
-- Joshua Heller
The Internet is mightier than the pen.
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein,
"Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!"
-- Michael O'Brien |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:32:14
|
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:32:44
|
Who Says There's No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?
These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country, proving once again that there
is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)
Grand Canyon National Park
-------------------------------------
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom --
where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park
-------------------------------
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)
----------------------------------
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park
---------------------------------
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up
religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park
------------------------------------------
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park
-------------------------------
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President
Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park
---------------------------------
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where
are the exits? |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:33:58
|
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
|
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:35:01
|
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:35:50
|
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked." |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:36:34
|
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vagetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:40:37
|
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of
improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing
'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v',
vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o
kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems
of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:41:59
|
Collection of 'one-liner' signature files found on the Internet
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Collected by '??' on the Net]
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now .
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what
they want."
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines
in FORTRAN. -Anonymous
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:43:47
|
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have
you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.>
<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?"
<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
<Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows'
in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation
of the expected 'upgrade'."
<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed."
<Data> "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
<Riker> "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"
<Data> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
<Picard> "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
<Riker> "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
<Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules
from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"
<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo"
<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
<Riker and Picard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"
<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."
<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with all types of papers."
<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red
tape' it often proves fatal."
<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
<Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stan to watch, not
even the Borg deserve that. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:49:47
|
Hey, y'all --
In case you've wondered: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the
total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the ney,
get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops
to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
(see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of deer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:50:50
|
A woman had been married four times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian
and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke
out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a MicroSoft Windows programmer and
he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how
good it was going to be."
"The fourth time, I married a computer technician. He'd sit
on the edge of the bed and tell me, "I'll have it up in 30
minutes." |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:52:55
|
Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q. - How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q. - How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q. - How many Tech Support folks does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of
the light bulb box.
Q. - How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. - It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.
Q: - How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: - How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:54:22
|
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was
taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he
could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't
have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what
the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are
the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the
trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need
to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need
to know what to do."
The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, "
No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?",
the trooper replys "No, even more important." "It's isn't
the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it !", screams the chief.
"I don't know " says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur." |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:55:08
|
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those
days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet
exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit.
This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe
wasn't.
God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the
rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And
so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits
followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift'
instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a
single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit.
And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays.
Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must
have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:56:27
|
A Short Guide to Comparative Religions
--------------------------------------
Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehova's Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:59:08
|
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box
with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do
you think this is?"
One advisor, an Electrical Engineer, answered first. "It is a
toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded
computer for it?" The advisor: "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I
would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and
quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow
white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as
the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would
turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial
value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it
would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and
I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a software developer, immediately recognized the
danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't
just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the
subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand
more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can
also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster
that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the
future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a
few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods.
Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry.
The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into
toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links,
and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs,
poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."
"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because
it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create
the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of
breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language
with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get
cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is
required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the
food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users
won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical
interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should
see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message
'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out
by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a
menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in
the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware
platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 48MB
of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be sufficient.
If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports
multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program
will be a snap."
The king wisely had the software developer beheaded, and they all
lived happily ever after. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
panzer
Advanced Member
12779 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 01/07/2009 : 08:59:30
|
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot,
and I was wondering if you might be my son . . . " |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
VICEVI !!!
