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mladjo
Advanced Member
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Croatia
20013 Posts
Member since 15/04/2007 |
 Posted - 08/07/2009 : 15:23:09
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Kerumov govor na otvaranju splitskog ljeta:
Evo, došlo nan lito, ka šta u nika doba uvik dođe. Prilika je da se čovik navečer malo izađe i proveseli se, jer ne moreš uvik ni radit, đava mu posa odnija. Triba koji put stat i počinit, sist s ljudima, bacit na karte, zapivat, povirit i u kazalište ako je kakva dobra predstava. Ja nisan, po duši govoreći, puno iša u kazalište. Šta ću van ja sad lagat, glumit da san kulturan, pričat da čitan knjige i slikat se s rukon na bradi. Čita san i ja u svoje vrime, nije da nisan. Oni Ninđa romani nisu mi bili mrski, a i kaubojske san volio, ali onda je došla firma, obaveze, šta ću van dalje pričat. Satare to čovika i da je mlađi. Sidnen navečer pogledat film sa Čak Norison i, samo što san zatvorija oči, na televiziji Branimir Bilić. U prvi tren ništa mi nije jasno. Srce ti Isusovo, šta radi Branimir Bilić sa Čak Norison?! A onda pogledan na sat - jedanesta ura. Ajde ti, moj Željko, lipo leć, govorin ja sam sebi. Ne moreš ti i gonjat biznis i pratit kulturu, ne iđe to.
A i šta će to meni, za pravo reć? U svom poslu san se dokaza, šta je meni potriba pravit se pametan koje san knjige pročita i koje san predstave gleda. Došla mi prije neki dan jedna ženska, onako, neloše izgleda.
Razgovaramo mi i ona, ne sićan se više zašto, kaže: "Pikaso". "A Citroen voziš", kažen ja. "Čuja san da puno troši." A ona se uvatila smijat. "Šta se smiješ?" pitan je ja. "Šta se smiješ, tuko? Pogledaj se kakva si, ka da te je poplava izbacila." Ona se sva zacrvenila. "Ma, nije, gospodine Željko", kaže, "nisan vas tila uvridit, nego, onako, izletilo mi. Nisan na auto mislila, nego na slikara Pabla Pikasa." "Pablo Pikaso, kažeš", govorin joj ja. "Pa koji je to Pablo Pikaso, ko zna za njega? Ja di god dođen, svi me pozdravljaju, oće se rukovat, slikat se s menon, narod me voli. Di me neće i volit, četri iljade ljudi zapošljavan. Četri iljade familija živi od mene! A taj tvoj Pikaso, koja je njegova firma, koliko je on ljudi zaposlio?" "Nikoliko", kaže ona, a vidin da se malo, ka, zasramila. Tu mene bis malo pusti i još joj samo rečen: "Nikoliko? E, jeben i tebe i njega."
Vi gledajte operu, ja iden na janjetinu
A jesan li joj dobro reka? Šta meni ko ima reć da san vaki ili naki ako ne čitan knjige i ne iđen na izložbe? Osin toga, i u tin knjigan ima takvi ludosti i govnarija da te bog sačuva. Pamtin, jednon moj mali donio neku knjigu iz škole. Nikad ja nisan puno vodio brigu o njegovoj školi i učenju, to je žena stavljala u red, ali taj put slučajno pogledan i vidin - Kralj Edip. "Šta je to?" pitan ga ja. "Ma, neko sranje", kaže on. "Moran pročitat za lektiru." "Pa o čemen je?" "A neki kremple", govori mi sin. "ubija ćaću i oženija se s materon." "Nemoj me jebat!?" kažen ja. "Majke mi", kaže on. "Ubija ćaću i oženija se s materon?!" "E." "Pa je li ga policija privela?" "Nije. Na kraju sam sebi iskopa oči ." "Bome je dobro manit", govorin ja. "A ništa mi ne govori", kaže mali i sve puše od muke.
Evo, vi ste svi ovde učeni i kulturni ljudi, da niste taki ne bi došli na otvaranje Splitskog ljeta. Je li to kultura? Ajde vi meni kažite, je li to kulturno, ubit ćaću i oženit se s materon? I na kraju sam sebi iskopat oči i ostat na teret društva. Još će mi doć u kancelariju da mu pomognen, da skuplja pare za operaciju. Meni, da se razumimo, nije teško dat. Dobar san čovik, svi će van to reć. Dava san i davat ću, kad je za zdravlje, i livon i desnon rukon. Ali, da mi dođe taj, kako se zove, Edip, da mu pomognen, jebeš mi mater, kroz prozor bi ga bacio. Pa vi posli pričajte da san seljačina i nekulturan.
Ima tu, u toj kulturi, ne kažen, i dobri stvari. Jučer baš razgovaran s pročelnicon, pitan je šta će bit na Splitskon ljetu, a ona kaže: "Bit će Šekspir." "Bogati!" začudin se ja. "A šta", pita me ona, "drag van je Šekspir?" "Ajde, mala", govorin joj ja, "štaš ti meni govorit o Šekspiru. Kad san ja iša u Šekspira, ti se još nisi bila ni rodila." Reka san joj da mi svakako ostavi dvi karte i, pravo da van rečen, jedva čekan da to bude. Baš san se uželija zavrnit rukave od jakete, naručit štok-kolu i malo plesat. Ej, dobri stari Šekspir! A za ovo drugo me ne pitajte. Opera mi je, nemojte zamirit, bezveze, ali balet mi, onako, nije mrzak. Dobre su ženske, ako voliš male sise. Ni na dramskin premijeran nećete me puno viđat, jerbo meni drame više u životu ne triba. Da bi van ja da vodite firmu od četiri iljade ljudi pa bi vi vidili šta je drama. A šta se komedija tiče, toga, meni se čini, ni vama ne fali. Šta će van bolje komedije od toga da ste mene izabrali za gradonačelnika?
Eto ga, svitu. Proglašavan Splitsko ljeto otvorenin, sa srićon van bilo.
Vi sada ostanite pogledat operu, toplo van je priporučujen, svi mi kažu da je dobra, a ja sad moran požurit na Klis, oladit će mi se janjetina.
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COUNT ZERO INTERRUPT
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Mac
Average Member
Bosnia and Herzegovina
576 Posts
Member since 28/09/2008 |
Posted - 08/07/2009 : 20:29:01
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Španjolske serije.
Kratak sadržaj:
U početku Gabrijela živi u štali, nema jednu nogu, gluhonijema je, slijepa,
nepismena i siromašna. Nema za hranu pa mora jesti šljunak.
Poslije 100 epizoda Gabrijela i vidi i čuje.
U 120-toj epizodi izraste joj noga.
U 150-toj epizodi postaje direktor banke.
U 250-toj epizodi dobije napad slijepog crijeva, svi muškarci u seriji plaču.
U 300-toj epizodi saznaje da ima oca, brata, majku, očuha, jetrvu i svekrvu,
i da su svi oni veoma bogati te je samim tim i ona bogata nasljednica. Svi
muškarci u seriji plaču.
U 312-toj epizodi saznaje da joj je otac sam sebi brat blizanac a da joj je
majka umrla čim se rodila. Svi plaču, naročito se u tome ističu muški
likovi.
Dvije epizode kasnije banka koju vodi bankrotira, svi je mrze, ona plače, svi
u seriji plaču. Plače i režiser i scenarista i ko-scenarista.
Ta epopeja traje cca 20 epizoda.
U 340 epizodi vraća se do štale u kojoj se rodila i tamo joj gatara kaže da
će imati sreće u životu. Plače Gabrijela, plače gatara, plaču svi muškarci u
seriji, plače moja baka koja prati tu seriju, plačem i ja jer je Gabrijeli
konačno krenulo.
Na kraju, poslije 500 epizode proročanstvo se ispuni, moja baka počinje
pratiti drugu španjolsku ser iju u kojoj, na početku, Lusinda živi u štali, nema
jednu nogu, gluhonijema je i slijepa ... |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 09/07/2009 : 10:03:29
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There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down.
The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.....
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!" |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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lwood
Advanced Member
Colombia
47575 Posts
Member since 09/12/2005 |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 09/07/2009 : 19:13:02
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A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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Vjeko1980
Advanced Member
5651 Posts
Member since 24/08/2006 |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 09:50:38
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!' |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 12:09:23
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Mother-in-law, how long are you going to spend here with us?
Well, until you get bored of me.
What, you're leaving already?
It is raining heavily outside. Somebody knocks on the door. A man opens it. A totally wet woman stands outside.
Mother-in-law, what are you doing here? Don't you see that it is raining? Go home.
Then he she shuts the door. |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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weljko94
Advanced Member
Serbia
3015 Posts
Member since 08/02/2008 |
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 12:20:46
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Evo jednog crnjaka :)
Igraju sasha matic i dejan matic counter strike,i baci dejan sashi flesh.
Na to ce sasha:"Shta je ovo,nishta ne vidim!"
Shta kazhe Bog za rome?
-Ova tura mi je malo zagorela :) |
Tebi pripada kraljevstvo zaborava na cijim
granicama padaju sve maske,pa se tako prema tvojoj palati približavamo lišeni secanja, godina i kao bezimena bica ulazimo u božanski putir,nalik na kakvu vatrenu hostiju |
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weljko94
Advanced Member
Serbia
3015 Posts
Member since 08/02/2008 |
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 12:25:39
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| RISAR@ Odakle ti te slike?? |
Tebi pripada kraljevstvo zaborava na cijim
granicama padaju sve maske,pa se tako prema tvojoj palati približavamo lišeni secanja, godina i kao bezimena bica ulazimo u božanski putir,nalik na kakvu vatrenu hostiju |
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kreŠa
Advanced Member
.jpg)
Serbia
4790 Posts
Member since 26/01/2009 |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
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dcopic
stripovi.com suradnik
Croatia
6221 Posts
Member since 20/01/2005 |
Posted - 12/07/2009 : 00:17:54
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Dozivio informaticar brodolom i nasao se na pustom otoku.
Dani, mjeseci su prolazili i vidi ovaj da ga nitko nece spasiti pocne on graditi nekakvu kolibu. Slozio on sebi kolibu, i ono fino zaspao...
Kad ujutro se probudi a iznad njega stoji zenska ono plavusa,cicata, vitka i kaze ona njemu 'ajde ti dodji kod mene ja sam tu s druge strane otoka.
Dosli oni kod nje kad vidi on, velika kuca, sve sredjeno, stednjak,
frizider...
Pita on nju pa otkud ti sve to ?
Ma to sam sve pokupila s broda prije nego je potonuo....
Udje unutra, ona njega fino nahrani... Kaze mu neka se istusira, kao ono ima ona i toplu vodu ... bojler na generator...
Istusira se on, izadje van a ono zenska skine grudnjak pa gacice ... i kaze mu: E sad cu ti dati ono sto cekas vec 6 mjeseci ....
A informaticar ce: Nemoj me jebat da imas i internet!!!!! |
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supermark
stripovi.com suradnik
(1).jpg)
Croatia
29656 Posts
Member since 06/02/2007 |
Posted - 12/07/2009 : 00:54:12
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Pita mali Ivica tatu:
-"Tata, što je to pijanac?"
-"Sine... Vidiš li one dvije gredice na ogradi? Eto, pijancu se čini da su tamo četiri gredice."
- "Ali tata, ja vidim samo jednu gredicu." |
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dcopic
stripovi.com suradnik
Croatia
6221 Posts
Member since 20/01/2005 |
Posted - 13/07/2009 : 17:28:37
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ISTINITA PRICA ...
Kako nazvati policiju kada ste stari i niste bas pokretni ...
Georges PHILLIPS, stariji covjek koji zivi u u VANCOUVERU u Kanadi se
spremao u krevet kada mu je zena rekla, da je kroz prozor vidjela, da je
ostavio svjetlo u ostavi sa alatima u dvoristu.
Georges je otvorio straznja vrata kuce da ugasi svjetlo, kada iznenada vidi
da ga ljudi pljackaju.
Zvao je policiju koja ga je pitala:
- ... "netko je usao kod vas ?"
On odgovori:
- ... "ne, ali neki ljudi su mi usli u ostavu sa alatom i kradu mi stvari."
Policija mu odgovori:
- ... "sve nase jedinice su zauzete. Zatvorite se u kucu i nekoga cemo
poslati cim bude slobodan."
Georges odgovori:
- " O.K."
Poklopi slusalicu, priceka 30 sekundi i nazove ponovo policiju:
- " Dobar dan, ja sam vas maloprije nazvao da mi lopovi pljackaju ostavu sa
alatom ... Ne trebate se brinuti za to ... ubio sam ih !"
Pa je poklopio.
Za pet minuta, 6 policijskih auta, ekipa snajpera, helikopter, dva
vatrogasna auta, hitna pomoc dosla su pred njegovu kucu i zaustavili lopove
tijekom pljacke.
Policajac mu kaze:
- ... " mislio sam da ste ih ubili ..."
A Georges mu odgovori:
- ... " a ja sam mislio da ste mi rekli da nemate nikoga slobodnog za
poslati ..."
Poanta: Ne zajebavajte se sa starim ljudima. |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 07:14:33
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But he gets so lonely so he decides he wants to get a pet for company, but not just any pet he wants something exotic so he goes to the local pet shop.
"Actually we're doing a big trade on these Indonesian centipedes" says the pet shop owner. "They even come in a little house shaped box".
"Done" says the man.
"When he gets home he puts the box on the sideboard. After a couple of hours he gets bored so he goes over to the box and says "I'm going down the pub for a pint, you're welcome to come and meet the lads".
No Reply. So the guy goes off and gets himself some tea. About 30 minutes later he returns and says to the box, "I said, I'm going down the pub, do you want to come?"
Again no reply, so the guy goes and showers. 30 minutes later he goes back to the box and shouts, "Right, you've had your chance, I'm going out".
He's about to walk away from the box when a little voice shouts back.
"I heard you the first time, I'm putting my f**king shoes on!" |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 12:26:25
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Parker & Hart
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Kad pocneš crtati, uvek moraš imati na kraju olovke, srce, ruku i misli! |
Edited by - Risar_69 on 20/07/2009 12:32:08 |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 12:34:55
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Charles M. Shulz
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Kad pocneš crtati, uvek moraš imati na kraju olovke, srce, ruku i misli! |
Edited by - Risar_69 on 20/07/2009 12:42:49 |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 12:48:57
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Jim Davis
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Kad pocneš crtati, uvek moraš imati na kraju olovke, srce, ruku i misli! |
Edited by - Risar_69 on 20/07/2009 12:54:30 |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 13:00:42
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Jim Unger
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Kad pocneš crtati, uvek moraš imati na kraju olovke, srce, ruku i misli! |
Edited by - Risar_69 on 20/07/2009 13:04:08 |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 13:43:27
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Strip humor iz poznatih umjetničkih dijela
Mantegna’s Saint Sebastian
Mantegnas The Death of Marat.
Mantegna’s Dead Christ
Slike iz: MUF, the Museo Nazionale del Fumetto e dell’Imagine
(the Italian Comics Museum) in Lucca.
-- |
Kad pocneš crtati, uvek moraš imati na kraju olovke, srce, ruku i misli! |
Edited by - Risar_69 on 20/07/2009 14:01:47 |
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weljko94
Advanced Member
Serbia
3015 Posts
Member since 08/02/2008 |
Posted - 20/07/2009 : 14:06:33
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Shta kazhe Arnold Svarceneger zheni posle ruchka???
-Astal da blista bejbi xD
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Tebi pripada kraljevstvo zaborava na cijim
granicama padaju sve maske,pa se tako prema tvojoj palati približavamo lišeni secanja, godina i kao bezimena bica ulazimo u božanski putir,nalik na kakvu vatrenu hostiju |
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panzer
Advanced Member
12775 Posts
Member since 18/05/2005 |
Posted - 23/07/2009 : 13:03:52
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? |
Ich bin kein Mensch, ich bin kein Tier, ich bin ein Panzer-Grenadier! |
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Stari borac
Average Member
Croatia
505 Posts
Member since 03/11/2004 |
Posted - 23/07/2009 : 19:31:20
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Dobra vijest
Michael Jackson ne će biti kremiran, pošto je 86% njegovog tijela od plastike. Umjesto toga, bit će recikliran u tvornici LEGO, tako da će se i dalje moći igrati s djecom. |
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Risar_69
Advanced Member
Slovenia
11679 Posts
Member since 05/05/2008 |
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VICEVI !!!
